Real Ale

In this post we will be using the word "barmaid" as shorthand for all the possible waitstaff you might encounter in a pub. This is because I, personally, am a barmaid, and not for any more nefarious reason. We will also assume that the barmaid is competent, courteous and well-mannered. If such is not the case, of course the customer is entitled to complain and/or take their money elsewhere, but that is not the subject of this post. The subject of this post is on how to be a Good Customer. Good Customers, from the point of view of the barmaid, become friends. You have genuine affection for them, and worry if they don't come in at their usual times. Bad Customers, though? They are feared, dreaded, and given codenames - such as Mister Grabbyhands, the Peanut Sprayer, Racist Harry - so that you can warn other barstaff about them.

Most of these guidelines are based around a simple premise: the barmaid and the other customers in the pub are all human beings with equal rights and equal validity to yourself. You are not better than any of them, and it is rude to behave as if you think you are. This list is exhausting, but not exhaustive. Feel free to pick holes and/or ask questions in the comments.

( really, it all boils down to Don't Be a Twat )

((This post was originally posted in The Yorkshire Gob on the 3rd of November 2008))